Stop Saying “I’m Sorry” in Emails
Yesterday, I had a coaching conversation with a client, and the reason she contacted me was because she needed to give feedback to a team member, someone that reports to her, about her professionalism in email communication and how many times she says "I'm sorry" in emails.
Have you ever realized how many times you apologize in emails?!?!?
A big question that arises here is: How do we take feedback without feeling the need to apologize after receiving said feedback? We must show confidence and/or use new language instead of focusing on the two words “I’m sorry.”
Through the coaching conversation I had, my client realized how much she actually also over-apologizes. Her example was that just the night before, she made dinner that her family did not enjoy, and she spent the next 15 minutes apologizing to her family for not liking a dinner that she made. When really, that is just their opinion, and it doesn’t need an apology from her.
She realized that she does this because she’s a recovering people pleaser and over-apologizing isvery typical for people pleasers. However, it’s like the law of attraction; when you want a dog and then see the dog everywhere, or a new car and you can’t stop seeing the car, when you notice how often you apologize, you then notice how often you say "I’m sorry".
Once we understand how often we say it when not necessary or warranted we can then learn ways to substitute it for more confident or encouraging words.
Truthfully, over-apologizing is often times not necessary.
When we do over-apologize it's almost like the boy that called wolf - it doesn’t feel as believable when we really need to sit down with someone and it give a true apology that carries more support, more love, and more truth. This becomes less of the case when we are throw around verbal apologies that are not necessary.
People might over-apologize for several reasons, often stemming from their emotional or psychological state, upbringing, social conditioning, or past experiences.
Here are some common reasons why people might find themselves over-apologizing even when it's not necessary:
Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem might feel they are constantly in the wrong or inadequate, leading to frequent apologies.
Fear of Conflict: Over-apologizing can be a way to avoid potential conflict or to quickly smooth over any perceived discord.
Upbringing: Some people are raised in environments where apologizing is heavily emphasized, leading them to apologize more often, regardless of fault.
Social Conditioning: Cultural or societal norms might encourage certain individuals, especially women, to be overly polite or accommodating, translating into excessive apologies.
Anxiety: Anxiety can cause individuals to worry excessively about how they are perceived by others, leading them to apologize even for actions or circumstances beyond their control.
Desire to Please: A strong desire to be liked or to please others can result in over-apologizing, as individuals might feel that saying sorry will make them more agreeable.
Responsibility Overload: Some people have a tendency to take too much responsibility for situations, often feeling accountable for things that aren't their fault.
So, how can we break free from the cycle of over-apologizing while still maintaining professionalism and humility? It starts with being mindful of our language and reframing our communication habits.
Instead of defaulting to "I'm sorry" for every mishap, consider alternative phrases that convey acknowledgment and accountability without diminishing your authority:
"Thank you for your patience." Acknowledge any inconvenience caused without assuming fault.
"I appreciate your understanding." Express gratitude for the recipient's flexibility or tolerance.
"Let me make it right." Offer a proactive solution to address any errors or misunderstandings.
"I value your feedback." Show openness to constructive criticism without resorting to self-blame.
"Your input is important to me." Reinforce the importance of collaboration and mutual respect in communication.
By consciously choosing words that inspire confidence and foster positive interactions, we can cultivate a culture of accountability and professionalism in our communication, both in the workplace and beyond.
In the fast-paced world of leadership, effective communication is the cornerstone of success. While acknowledging mistakes and shortcomings is essential, over-apologizing can inadvertently erode trust and undermine authority. By reframing our language and embracing alternatives to unnecessary apologies, we empower ourselves to communicate with clarity, confidence, and authenticity.
So, the next time you find yourself tempted to say "I'm sorry" for a minor misstep, pause and consider the message you truly want to convey. With mindful communication, we can pave the way for stronger relationships, greater respect, and enhanced credibility in all aspects of our professional and personal lives.
I’m Krista Ryan
My job is to help you learn a little, laugh a lot, and get clear on action steps for your success.
It may have taken a life changing event to shake me awake and decide I no longer wanted to live a comfortable life… I wanted to embrace the discomfort and live a life of courage and intention.
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