Whom You Choose to Surround Yourself with Matters

In the coaching world, we talk a lot about choices.The choices we make define who we are today and in the future.

Honestly, we should be thinking about this not just in the coaching world, but with everything we do in THE world. However, we define who we are becoming by the choices that we make or worse, decide not to make. Drum roll please!  Did you know that one of the greatest choices that can impact our lives (both present and future) is who we decide to surround ourselves with on a daily basis? We are the sum of who we spend the most time with; which means, we must choose wisely.

Research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard University found that “the people you habitually associate with, determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.” Talk about some serious consequences if you continue to spend time with people who don’t value you and your boundaries or are overall toxic for your growth and success!

According to Dr. McClelland, those that you spend the most time with become your “reference group.” These individuals have an influence on you in some way, whether it be intentional or subconscious. If your reference group has a generally positive outlook on life, you likely also share that optimism. The same is true in reverse. 

Take a moment to think of your inner circle. Are these individuals you aspire to become? Do they build you up and believe in you? Do you leave your interaction with them inspired? Are they aligned with your real internal core values?

If you answered no to any of the questions above, I challenge you to think of why these individuals are members of your inner circle. As harsh as that challenge may seem, it is for good reason. Now, take another moment and consider these next questions. To the person in your inner circle that doesn’t deserve to be: Do you feel obligated to have this person in your life (ex: they are a family member, a coworker, your boss, etc.)? Does this person complain, judge, or blame others often? Is this person someone you think you need to get ahead in your life? Does this person make you feel bad often?

Your mindset is largely impacted by the individuals in your inner circle. No matter how capable you are, when it comes to success, mindset is the strongest determining factor. Therefore, people who push boundaries, have negative energy, or put you down often are not people that are going to help you feel successful, positive, or happy.

The next time you're with your team or a group of friends, take a moment to play the role of an observer. What are the conversations being had? What is the mindset of the individuals having these conversations? By stepping into the role of an observer, it can give you a bird's eye view of the experience at hand.

Many times, our mindsets may shift and align with the individuals we are interacting with. It’s contagious. Have you ever been with your friends and someone starts complaining about their workday and next thing you know, everyone has shared a story complaining about something? Oftentimes, individuals that choose a toxic mindset spend their communication and interactions blaming and complaining about situations instead of looking for productive actions to make themselves and their experience successful. What many fail to remember is a positive and neutral mindset is just as much of a choice as a toxic and negative mindset. Sometimes it is harder, I mean c’mon it’s much easier to complain about work than actually getting the courage to quit, find a new job, or change our habits. However, that choice is the choice that needs to happen.

A positive and neutral mindset is something you can work to improve on. It may feel difficult at first to transition to a positive mindset, but over time it will start to feel more innate. Ensuring that the individuals in your reference group also approach life with a positive mindset, or are actively attempting to, will largely improve your success.

What do you do if you find yourself surrounded by individuals that are bringing you and your capabilities down?

If these individuals are in your friend circle, it may be time to start introducing yourself to new individuals and forming new relationships. This can be somewhat uncomfortable at first but just as the seasons change, we also as human beings change. Through this change, we may come to some self-observations that we are no longer aligned with some individuals as we had been in the past. This can be sad I know!

Think back to the questions we discussed at the beginning. Everyone in your circle should be bringing a positive attribute to your life. If you find the relationship is worth maintaining, try approaching your friend with honesty (this can go such a long way). If you find they are particularly negative in situations, let them know it is impacting you. You can say something like, “Lately I have been working on being more intentional with my mindset and being more positive. I notice at times you approach situations with a negative mindset. This negativity is making me uncomfortable when we are together. I greatly value our friendship, but if our interactions continue to discourage or limit me, I will need to take a step back from things.” This will also help your friend become more aware. Although it can be easy for us to feel and see how negative someone can be, it's not always easy for us to see and feel how negative we are at times. Honesty can change this! 

If we find within our work environment that we are not aligned and our interactions are bringing our mindset and capabilities down, this is an opportunity to step in and identify a breakdown. What communication would need to happen to shift the mindset of the team to productivity and support? How can the team effectively communicate together and establish trust for feedback?  What would need to be different to come to a better outcome? Our work environment is slightly different from our personal environment, as we cannot always stop working with individuals. Because of this, open and honest communication is very important at work.

Now that we know who you surround yourself with matters, is it time for an evaluation? Many successful people evaluate those they are surrounded by on a constant and consistent basis.

And as you look to your success, who can you surround yourself with today that will allow you to constantly grow and become a better version of yourself tomorrow?

I’m Krista Ryan

My job is to help you learn a little, laugh a lot, and get clear on action steps for your success.

It may have taken a life changing event to shake me awake and decide I no longer wanted to live a comfortable life… I wanted to embrace the discomfort and live a life of courage and intention.

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